On finding the man in the mirror...

 


One more day behind me and the beginnings of another.
It's crazy how time is so relevant to what's going on in our lives. How 60 seconds can seem a lifetime, yet as we age and look back on our lives and their entirety, it's seems to have passed in minutes.
I guess that old cliché of "where did time go" actually has a reality of its own.
The same goes for life in here, even though the days go by slow as hell, dredging on and on...and on and on, with a feeling of a millstone anchored to my neck, it passes nonetheless, and to actually contemplate on just how fast time has sped by, compared to how slow the present creeps by, is amazing.
I think the biggest shock and awe is how i've aged. when I first came to prison all the old timers were calling me 'young'n'... now...all the 'youngins' are calling me old school...
Not cool by the way...I'm not appreciative, and there should be a rule against that...matter of fact forthwith the use of 'old school' is against the rules...when used towards me anyways!
Yet, by far, the worst reminder of time passing is the limited time for reflection...ironic considering all I've done for 15 years is reflect, regret, and wish I would have done things differently. But I'm speaking more of actual physical reflection and what should be a four letter word...aging.
At my current residence we don't have mirrors, and at the last big house I resided the mirrors were so scratched old and worn that only a silhouette was visible. Recently, here, we've been allowed to purchase small plastic mirrors that are 4" by 6". After buying six of these I now have a full mirror...and after about 6 years of not really seeing my face...I was horrified!!! Accompanied with my horror was a proverbial slap to the face. An eye popping reality check that yes,    I'm in my 40s, no I'm no longer 26 and yes I'm getting old....and grumpy, but I didn't need a mirror for that one.
Who ever came up with an HD mirror anyway??? Good grief.
That's the person that should be locked up and please... throw that key away.
But I've finally came to a realization, thanks to my new high-def lease on life, I actually like who I am. For years I've not been able to look myself in the eyes, to size myself up and really reflect on who I am, how I've grown, or who I've become.
But now I have and I've realized I'm the man my parents raised. No I'm not the devout hallelujah praising Christian they'd like, but I'm actually a good person with values and morals, I walk my own path and hold myself to standards that I do not expect of others. Not that I see myself as better, but that I strive daily to be better than who I was yesterday.
So...I may have some white in my beard, crows feet and wrinkles, which at first was a... wow, wtf happened moment!!!
but after a couple weeks, I found that unlike so many "free" people in the world...I like who I am and I like who I see in the mirror. I'm disappointed in some of my decisions (understatement of the year) but I'm proud of who I am and who I'm becoming.
Good job mom and dad! Maybe I'm a forty something year old late bloomer, but thank the gods I'm reaching my prime and seeing my potential. I've had a lot of bumps, knock's, bruises and hard lessons, but... I'm still standing on my own two feet. Walking on my own two legs, and looking forward to the future.
I only have about 4 years left on my sentence. I just hope time doesn't slow to crawl. I have that feeling that I have so very much to do and not a lot of time left to do it.
Right now my least favorite song....
Time is on my side, yes it is...

Lock that guy up with the mirror guy. 

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